I have been away lately and I've been trying to write a recap post on my life, but there's been so much. So excuse the word vomit. I've been having a really rough time and I thought that maybe this would help. So here is that not so quick recap. You don't have to read it all if you don't want to. This post is mainly for me to just word vomit somewhere.
I graduated from SUU with my bachelors in Communication with an emphasis in Media Studies.
I graduated from SUU with my bachelors in Communication with an emphasis in Media Studies.
I went to Israel on Birthright. For those who don't know, Birthright allows Jews a free trip back to Israel to learn all about the strength of Jewish pride. I was gone for 12 days while my boyfriend at the time was in Mexico having his own fun adventures. Unfortunately, when I returned I fell into a huge pit of depression when he brought up the dreaded conversation of breaking up. I wanted to make it work. I would rather do a long-distance relationship than be without him. Yet here I am. Single and alone. We had made it almost 2 years (my longest relationship ever). This break up has broken me. Although we were officially broken up, we still lived together and had to continue living together until I had my family come help me move back home. Have you ever had to live with your ex? If you haven't, be thankful and I hope you never have to. I thought that once I was home I would be better. I usually move on quick. I'm more of a "if you don't want me then I don't want you" kind of person. Not this time. It's been a few months now and I still find myself crying about it. Then again, we haven't exactly stopped talking or seeing each other. That's probably why it's so hard. He still wants to be friends, but I can't. I want to so I try, but it just makes me feel worse. I have no willpower. It seems like he is completely better off without me (even though he says he breaks down too) and I'm not. I want to be. I want to be happier and full of life. But I'm not and I'm trying my hardest to snap myself out of this. Which makes me feel even more like an idiot because I'm giving the power over to him by letting his actions control my emotions so deeply. I just can't help it.
While I was feeling like this, I had to travel back and forth between Las Vegas and Cedar City, Utah for my job. I was editing videos and helping film for Southern Utah University's marketing department. This pissed me off. I had a partner when we started. And before we even started I asked her if she was sure that she had the time. I told her that I had too much going on myself and that I was going to have to rely on her, especially since I was moving back to Las Vegas. She said she would have the time. Months later, I was the one who had to finish all of her work because guess what? She did NOT have the time. I would ask her constantly if she was sure she could do the work, because if not I was just going to stay longer to avoid the constant driving. She always said yes, but I was the one finishing all of her work. She told me thank you and how I saved her butt, but a thank you was not enough. I am still beyond pissed at her disrespect and inconsideration. If there was even a doubt in her mind that she couldn't do it then she should have just told me like I had asked her to multiple times. But of course I can't go off on her and tell her how upset I am because I'm too nice. I'll just bottle it up and explode. My usual way of handling things. But I finished everything and now I don't have to go back so it's too late to yell at her anyway.
When I moved home my mom asked me to help her because she is drowning herself. Of course I have to help my mom. She not only has to take care of herself (which she never does), but also her husband, her husband's mom, my grandpa, and my sister and I. So I made the choice to not be selfish and help her out as much as I can. I'll clean whatever I see that's dirty. I'll make sure my step-dad's mom eats and I'll make sure the animals are not bothering her. I'll check in on my grandpa and drive him wherever he needs to go. This will be a lot easier to do once I move back home.
Oh yeah! So when I moved home, I moved into a one bedroom apartment with my sister and her dog. So my job at the apartment has been to clean and take care of the dog. My sister would call me while I was working in Utah and ask when I'm coming home. She said she needed me because she has so much to do herself. So now I'm home doing everything she wasn't doing.
I'm not complaining about the fact that I have to help my family and be there for them. I get that. I am okay with that. I would rather be selfish during my selfish years, but I know I can't. So that's fine. I'm just tired of feeling like I work my ass off and it's all for nothing. I feel like people are just starting to expect these things from me because they know I'll do it and I won't talk back since I'm too nice. I just hate confrontation even that means standing up for something I believe I deserve. I don't know how to not be a doormat though. I've been one for so long that it's all I know. If I ever tried to stand up for myself, someone would just put me down again. I'm weak. I'm a doormat. I'm desperate. I'm a complainer. I'm a child. I'm nowhere near where I want to be and I don't know how to start on my own. I feel so lost. I feel so low. I feel numb. I just want to take away this pain that I feel building up.
END WORD VOMIT
*** I didn't even reread this and wrote it a month ago and finally decided to actually post it ****
While I was feeling like this, I had to travel back and forth between Las Vegas and Cedar City, Utah for my job. I was editing videos and helping film for Southern Utah University's marketing department. This pissed me off. I had a partner when we started. And before we even started I asked her if she was sure that she had the time. I told her that I had too much going on myself and that I was going to have to rely on her, especially since I was moving back to Las Vegas. She said she would have the time. Months later, I was the one who had to finish all of her work because guess what? She did NOT have the time. I would ask her constantly if she was sure she could do the work, because if not I was just going to stay longer to avoid the constant driving. She always said yes, but I was the one finishing all of her work. She told me thank you and how I saved her butt, but a thank you was not enough. I am still beyond pissed at her disrespect and inconsideration. If there was even a doubt in her mind that she couldn't do it then she should have just told me like I had asked her to multiple times. But of course I can't go off on her and tell her how upset I am because I'm too nice. I'll just bottle it up and explode. My usual way of handling things. But I finished everything and now I don't have to go back so it's too late to yell at her anyway.
When I moved home my mom asked me to help her because she is drowning herself. Of course I have to help my mom. She not only has to take care of herself (which she never does), but also her husband, her husband's mom, my grandpa, and my sister and I. So I made the choice to not be selfish and help her out as much as I can. I'll clean whatever I see that's dirty. I'll make sure my step-dad's mom eats and I'll make sure the animals are not bothering her. I'll check in on my grandpa and drive him wherever he needs to go. This will be a lot easier to do once I move back home.
Oh yeah! So when I moved home, I moved into a one bedroom apartment with my sister and her dog. So my job at the apartment has been to clean and take care of the dog. My sister would call me while I was working in Utah and ask when I'm coming home. She said she needed me because she has so much to do herself. So now I'm home doing everything she wasn't doing.
I'm not complaining about the fact that I have to help my family and be there for them. I get that. I am okay with that. I would rather be selfish during my selfish years, but I know I can't. So that's fine. I'm just tired of feeling like I work my ass off and it's all for nothing. I feel like people are just starting to expect these things from me because they know I'll do it and I won't talk back since I'm too nice. I just hate confrontation even that means standing up for something I believe I deserve. I don't know how to not be a doormat though. I've been one for so long that it's all I know. If I ever tried to stand up for myself, someone would just put me down again. I'm weak. I'm a doormat. I'm desperate. I'm a complainer. I'm a child. I'm nowhere near where I want to be and I don't know how to start on my own. I feel so lost. I feel so low. I feel numb. I just want to take away this pain that I feel building up.
END WORD VOMIT
*** I didn't even reread this and wrote it a month ago and finally decided to actually post it ****