You may not be able to tell without looking for the scars, but I have been self-harm free for a year and a half. Yet there are still many times that the thought crosses my mind.
I remember wanting to cut for a long time since I had heard that it helped. I didn't try it though because I was afraid it would hurt. One day my best friend, Kandice, confided in me that she cut for the first time. I thought if she could do it then so could I. So I cut. Then I cut again. And again. Cutting allowed me to feel something other than the agony that consumed me. It was my way of venting. It was my release. It was how I would punish myself whenever I felt that I deserved it. It was my euphoria. It was my high.Never in my life did I think I would be able to cause myself physical pain, but I did and continued doing so for a while. Eventually people noticed and told my mom who got me the help I needed to stop.
I remember wanting to cut for a long time since I had heard that it helped. I didn't try it though because I was afraid it would hurt. One day my best friend, Kandice, confided in me that she cut for the first time. I thought if she could do it then so could I. So I cut. Then I cut again. And again. Cutting allowed me to feel something other than the agony that consumed me. It was my way of venting. It was my release. It was how I would punish myself whenever I felt that I deserved it. It was my euphoria. It was my high.Never in my life did I think I would be able to cause myself physical pain, but I did and continued doing so for a while. Eventually people noticed and told my mom who got me the help I needed to stop.
During my first semester here, something happened that I will never be able to forget. Kandice called me. She was having a breakdown and was sobbing uncontrollably telling me to meet her on campus and help her. When I approached her, she fell into my arms and continued sobbing. Our roommate helped me get her back to the dorms where she told us she took a lot of pills, but wasn't able to remember how many was a lot. I was terrified. What if she took just enough to end her life? We knew we needed to get her to the hospital. Kandice fought all 4 of us when we tried to get her into the car and the hospital.
One roommate yelled at her, "STOP! Will you stop fighting us and look at what you are doing to Casey, your best friend? Do you see how upset you are making her by doing this to yourself?" And Kandice stopped fighting to look at me. I wasn't even trying to get her out of the car because I was too busy sobbing myself. I have seen her breakdown before, but never anything to this extent. I can't even begin to describe how broken my heart felt to see my best friend, the most bubbly and happy person I know, to be completely falling apart right in front of my eyes.
That is when I vowed to myself to never put someone else in the position I was put in that day. To this day I am haunted by that memory.
Kandice was able to write a little something about how depression makes her feel...
One roommate yelled at her, "STOP! Will you stop fighting us and look at what you are doing to Casey, your best friend? Do you see how upset you are making her by doing this to yourself?" And Kandice stopped fighting to look at me. I wasn't even trying to get her out of the car because I was too busy sobbing myself. I have seen her breakdown before, but never anything to this extent. I can't even begin to describe how broken my heart felt to see my best friend, the most bubbly and happy person I know, to be completely falling apart right in front of my eyes.
That is when I vowed to myself to never put someone else in the position I was put in that day. To this day I am haunted by that memory.
Kandice was able to write a little something about how depression makes her feel...
Depression is an ultimate emptiness. A sadness that clouds your mind, making numbness overwhelming. A powerful indifference that drives carelessness and a deep aching for something more. Anything more.
Depression is a black abyss with smooth walls. As I've tried many times to crawl out of it myself, I only fall to the bottom once again. Depression is not something I could have overcome alone. Someone has to first shine a light down upon where I am. They let you know that there is a way out and they will be the person who can try to guide you out. They embody where you hope to be, a place of mental and emotional stability. To be happy.
But even if someone recognizes where I am, it is still an aching hopeless. They can throw in a rope into the abyss, the life line to try to get me out, but sometimes they fall short. Even by scrounging up all the motivation that I can, I cannot extend far enough, and I still find myself stuck, no way to get out. I feel as if I am falling deeper into the dark. Into the arms of an evil nothing until I find myself not feeling anything at all. Then, all at once, instead of looking up to try to get out of this hole, I look within myself. Try to find any other feeling than the nothing I am going through. Pills, starvation, any other ripping pain to make me feel something. anything. Darker questions consume the mind until you're lost in the obsession for more. Until finally you find yourself looking in the face of those that matter. Those that your heart can actually feel for.
Suddenly you see pain not only in yourself, but you see the pain that you are causing others. Until finally, you realize, that you need to find when enough is enough and you have to make yourself better, if not for yourself, for those in your life. It is for the people who you realize, are your life line, and they are your reason to feel more than nothing.
Sometimes people just need encouragement to get through the dark times. Here is a tumblr post from Kandice from a while ago. I came across it and commented just to let her know that I was there for her if she wanted to talk. I didn't pressure her, just gave her the option. Little did I know that my words helped her get through her rough patch.
SELF-LOVE <3
"Our first and last love...is self love" - Christian Bovee